Confess What You Crave, A Life Without Pain

This is a line from the song ‘Emerald’ by Tea Party. Not that I crave a life without pain. I have had my share of pain, that’s for sure. But what I crave is the ability to live the complete human experience, pain and pleasure, to be able to accept all emotions as they come and have the strength to deal with not so pleasurable times.

I crave unity.

I crave. . . .music. Harmony.

And, sometimes, chocolate and spinach pizza. Not necessarily together though.

Now, I don’t even recall music before my teen years and then it exploded in my life. I know I was around those dulcimer sounds as my mother sang, we went to church, etc. But it wasn’t really ‘music’ at that time in my life. Others my age were listening to Tiffany, Whitney – ‘Forever friends, bound by love’ that sort of stuff. I didn’t own a single tape from that time period.

Suddenly, I began to listen. The notes and the rhythm amazed me, and the words, oh the words. I did love the songs that had been in the background of my life – The Sound of Silence, Scarborough Fair. Then there were the Beatles. The Beatles, where to start? They opened my eyes. It’s as if George had me realize there was more to life, there was an East and a West, and there was beauty in dissonance. Paul I found bland, the everyman, but Ringo became the father I craved. He loved his son; he was so genteel, his songs were fun. I dreamt that he went to my school functions when no one else from my family would.

But John, he was how I felt. He was anguish and pain and raw and in the moment. Not that this is going to be a love affair with the Beatles, but music opened my eyes. Especially his line, “Mother, you left me, but I never left you.”

Those words hit home. This is how my mother told the story of my birth, “I died on the table and rose above my body. I looked down and watched you being born. I was so sick afterwards I couldn’t hold you. I guess that’s why we never bonded, because I wasn’t there in the beginning, couldn’t hold you.”

Sometimes she’d end it with, “So see, you tried to kill me then, and you’ve been trying ever since.”

From birth I was alone. I tried- I tried so hard. Every birthday I’d get her a gift, make her a special cake. I took her hand in mine and proudly walked her to the Stewarts Ice Cream Shop for her free mother’s day cone, and even on father’s day after the divorce. I told them happily that she was both parents for me, and deserved the scoop of recognition. In grade school, my macaroni necklaces were only for her. All I wanted was for her to be proud of me, to love me, to accept me. But she left me. She left me right in the hospital when I was born.

Music is a powerful force. It helped me further develop my inner sense of self as my outer shell was left to die until my release from that household. I’m not one that can write poetry, but I can identify with others, and with the lyrics and melodies others produce.

At first it was classical – Tchaikovsky. I loved him. Beethoven’s ‘Eroica’ – a descent into madness and frustration. Then I allowed words to come into my realm.

Further lyrics in Emerald:

Did you always want to be
Did they try to steal your soul
Did they hurt you with deceit
Can’t you come in from the cold

I didn’t know this band until recently. Actually, it was in college when I got a sampler with one of their songs on it, but I only found it again while in my depressive state. Then I ordered the CD and this was one of the songs on it. How could I not cry? I was fighting for existence and now, now I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m alive. I have control of my actions, of my life, of my surroundings. I can finally come in from the cold and sit by the fireplace and begin to warm up my heart. There is so much beauty around me that as I thaw, I notice in even more vibrant colors than ever before. And the music is still with me and expanded exponentially. I sing down the streets, in the shower. I feel the rhythm of life and it excites me, even when it becomes overpowering.

Today I went for a walk under the most azure of skies, the clouds only speckled the blue making it even more beautiful. The sun didn’t stream down from above; it merely illuminated the world around me. As I walked, leaves rustled down the street caught in stray breezes. Birds hopped around me, chirping out their editorials on the world aat large. It was amazing, and I have the capability to see it now.

What do I crave? I think I have what I crave now. I have music. I have hope. I am alive.

What do you crave?