Friday, January 11, 2008

Contact

Okay, so here's the deal, the real deal.

My mother contacted me.

Now, she has me address, my name, my info. It's not like it's easy to move around from house to house in my city, living space is a high commodity.

In the past she's sent cards, every few years or so, and I've ignored them.

But this was an e-mail. And, she dared to talk about my beloved cat, my REAL mother.

The therapist asked what was so wrong about that, as the sentiments were simply, "I'm sorry she passed" but the meaning is deeper to me. It's like someone who killed your child telling you they understand how you must feel, as they lost their child too and asking for a hug of understanding. It doesn't fly with me.

I tried, my friends tried, a co-worker tried to see how she could have gotten that e-mail address and no Google combination came up with it. We did get a number of sites offering us all my info for a mere 29.95USD and figure that's what she did.

So I was entirely pissed, I was angry, I was afraid. If she found my e-mail (and the other site that I used to run that she mentioned) how soon until she found this one? How soon until she infiltrated other parts of my life? Plus, I've already been told that she's harassed a couple other people I have contact with (albeit sporadically) so who else will she hunt down? How much MORE unstable is she now? I like my life, my school, my job - how will she attempt to f#ck it up in her goal to bring me down?

My neighbors were put on alert - pictures went out and everyone instructed to call 9-11 should she show up. Then I calmed down.

So I talked to my doctor who wondered if I wasn’t still giving my mother too much power, which probably led to me reading the book about owning your shadow and realizing, yeah, I was. I don’t want to swing to far the other way and cry, ‘just let her try something!’ but I did have to move on from that initial fright and ponder how a. She’s still trying to f*ck with me and b. it does still affect me. But then, that is what I’m working on, why I’m in therapy, why I started the blog. To deal with the fears I have, and her, as the absolute worst one.

Here, let me be completely honest. My therapist asked what I would like to hear from my mother, and I said the first thing that came to me – “I don’t want to hear from her at all, I want to hear from her lawyer telling me she’s dead.” And I suppose, in the end I’m realizing that the way I felt with that contact was like an aftershock, the main drama is over, the earthquake gone, all that’s left are the occasional tremors.

(censored, but unedited, sorry. In a state where if I don't post I won't.)

8 comments:

Amel's Realm said...

Oh dear...so that's the story? I must say I'm also ticked to hear that your Mom's trying to contact you again like this. No wonder you were abstain from the blogosphere for a while. I sure hope she'll NEVER find this blog.

I'm glad to hear that your neighbours were put on alert, though. :-)))

Hey, I think you've been making progress with your therapy. :-))) At least from an outsider point of view, you used to write as though you were disconnected with everything, but now you've shown real emotion in your posts.

I don't wonder why you have that kind of wish, Vic, and nobody's blaming you for that.

I can't say I understand your situation completely, but I'm trying and I hope that your Mom will STOP bothering you.

(((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK in therapy, though!!! :-)))

Btw, how're your feet??????

P I F F L A N said...

I understand that you wish her death..I also wished my mother would die the last few years when she was alive...she was only bringing misery to the ones around her and to herself. I think she is more peaceful now..at least I hope so!

Amel's Realm said...

Hi, Vic!

Here's an award for you:

Roaring Lion Award

Amel's Realm said...

Hi, Vic!

Just wondering how you've been. :-))) Hope you're fine. My Finnish course's starting again this week, albeit with a new teacher. :-)))

david mcmahon said...

Dear Victorya,

As you probably know, I was overseas for a while, then I got very crook (Aussie-speak for ill) for a while, so I was AWOL from Blogland for a while.

As you said, the main shock and the aftershock are over. This is a minor tremor.

We don't always get a chance to make peace with a blood relative. My advice? Don't let it pass you by.

God bless you both

David

Michelle said...

I have someone like this in my life from my childhood. Someone obsessed, totally unstable and sometimes dangerous. Not as bad as your mom, but bad enough that I freak out a bit on security, who I allow to see my website/blog etc etc. Why i'm not saying names or even gender here ... in case it could get back to "them"!

People who haven't been through stuff like that don't get it. They can think you're harsh when you say you don't want this person near you EVER. They think you're being unforgiving, rigid... whatever. They don't understand and it can be so hard to explain because you're trying to explain how a crazy person thinks to sane people. It's like trying to explain flying to fish!

Hope she stays away, but more than that I hope you keep your inner peace - she doesn't deserve to have any power over you.

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Victorya said...

Amel- yeah, that was on my mind, or rather, that's the story. Congrats on continuing on in Finnish! And thanks for the award, time is so full nowadays, *sigh* can't blog as much as I used too!

Piff- nice to see you again!

Daivd - thanks for the pod, what an honor! Sorry to hear you were ill.

Michelle-High Five! yeah, understanding, doesn't come easy (or ever) in some cases.