Thursday, November 22, 2007

Family Reunion? No Time Soon

I'm back to no photos. I know. I'm tired, weak, and damn if my hands don't hurt more each day.

I've been thinking about my brother a lot, since even before seeing Stop-Loss. I don't know what I want from him, honestly. Somedays I think it would be great to reunite - but he was so far gone last time we talked, I think it's dangerous.

"So what do you think will happen?" my therapist asks.

"I think he might talk to my mom about me."

"And what does that matter? It's not like she has control over you."

"Yeah, but I don't even want her to know how I'm doing, to try and take pride in what I've done."

"But you won't even know."

"But I'll consider it a betrayal, another act of him running and telling mommy on me."

Basically, I want nothing to do with her, and my brother is an extension of her. Just like I'm the reflection of our history, the reason he doesn't want to see me. I'm the keeper of the memory, of the pain of our childhood.

I called my aunt and grandma today. The whole act of reconnecting. Not easy. My aunt said she wanted to come to NYC and see me. I told her I'm not ready. I haven't seen her in over 12 years and I haven't had a family since maybe age 7, maybe age 9, I can't put an exact date on when I realized how emotionally alone I was. Family is foreign to me.

"You know what?" she told me. "After every card you send, every time you call, I immediately call your dad and tell him how you are doing."

It was like the breath was sucked out of me. Betrayal. I don't want him taking any pride in what I've done. The last time I saw him, when I was nine, I climbed up the stairs to a slide, looked down on his head, just starting to bald, and realized I hated him. I spat on him. I can't help but run my finger over the scar from when he punched me and my tooth went through my lip even as I type this.

"He's very proud of you sweetie. He knew you'd be the one to make it. He doesn't care about your brother, but he loves you."

My brother, despite all that my father did, despite the 'alleged' molestation, the pornography, the violence, the horrendous gas that had my brother and I run to our rooms and put towels at the bottom of the doors, always wanted to love my dad. Just like I wanted to be loved by my mother.

"He's been married for 25 years now you know."

He told my brother, in a letter, that he had a new family, a new son, and didn't want him to contact him anymore. That he wasn't his father anymore. Yet my brother didn't learn. He cried and he cried and I could hear his heart crackle like ice on a warm summers day. But goddammit, he still tried.

"I gotta go, my foot's acting up." I said.

"We love you, you know that."

"Yeah, thanks, I think I have to ice it."

"We do, we've always loved you. It's terrible what your mom did. But she kept you from us."

"She kept me from everbody," I replied, "Not just you. Even from herself. I really have to ice it."


Amel's Realm said...

That's OK about no photos. We can wait. Just take your time and heal yourself first. :-)))

Wise decision by telling your aunt that you're not ready. Being betrayed is a very painful experience.

You're one strong woman, Vic. (((HUGS))) And a DAMN GOOD writer!!!

fishwithoutbicycle said...

Hey Victorya, feel better soon!! Hope you are not expected to be on crutches too much longer, best, Fish

Victorya said...

Thanks amel! ((hugs) back at you. And congrats on the pay per post money thing! I've dropped by, just, you know, not left a message.

Fish - two more weeks! ugh.

cherished79 said...

Vic, sorry that all of this hurt always has to come up for us - they say it makes us stronger. I'm still trying not to be "the victim" - I'm good most days, then there are the days that the feeling kinda of kicks you in the gut.

Thinking about you, and the most important thing right now is getting better. The therapy though: to question - is this all good or bad?


Rachelle said...

Well, my therapist would have said:
It's time to take care of YOU!

Family reunions aren't all they're cracked up to be, and despite the *need* for a family sometimes we just need to get ourselves fixed first, family be damned.

That's what I had to do. years of therapy and time without my family before I could be in a place to have any of them in my life again.
There are still members that are not in my personal circle and probably never will be. But the ones that are are forewarned. I laid out my boundaries clearly, and also listed the consequences- clearly.
Toe the line or else! I was alone for so much of my life it won't be anything to kick you to the curb again!
((hugs for you))

Amel's Realm said...

Hey, don't worry about not leaving me a message he he he...and THANKS!!! It's really good that I can start earning extra money for my savings now he he he he...;-D

And I hope your weekend will be going on nicely, with more hope and smiles. :-))))))

Amel's Realm said...

Hi, Vic, just dropping by to say hi. ;-D I'm blog hopping now, soon I have to do my homework: write a diary for my Finnish teacher. I hope I don't make too many mistakes he he he...

Hope your day's been fine. :-))))

Amel's Realm said...

Hi again, Vic!

How are you today? Hope there's improvement and you're feeling calm and content inside despite everything. :-)))) This eve's my last Finnish class for this year. Oh least there'll be more classes next year, though. YAAAYYY!!! ;-D

Anyway, just wanna give you HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! :-))))

Victorya said...

Howdy Amel! I'm doing better, thanks. Actually, got upgraded from tons of gauze to a protective boot (which is HEAVY) and next week I can supposedly walk on the boot w/out crutches.

And congrats on finishing the first semester of FInnish! HOpefully, you can move on to another level soon.

Amel's Realm said...

Hey, Vic!

A protective boot, eh? Well, at least it's GOOD to hear of your progress. :-))))

Yeah, I need to register myself again for the upcoming spring course, but what I'm really looking forward to is a small pre-Christmas "party" at a cafe here with my fellow students and Finnish teacher he he he he...Dunno yet when it's going to happen, but I hope it'll come true. I NEED to socialize ha ha ha ha...

Take careeee, Viiiicccc!!! ;-D