Saturday, July 28, 2007

Letter to My Brother


I went to bed last night with every intention of finally cleaning up the blog a bit and putting up the Memes/Awards I've gotten. I love the support I've received from people such as Amel and Michelle who have tagged me. Time is just flying so fast right now.

So I sat down, wrote out my sentence to motivate me, and put on some music.

The music is the Prince of Egypt soundtrack. I got it at a dollar store. Brian Stokes Mitchell just has an amazing voice.

Then the lyric comes on, "Once I called you brother. Once I thought the chance to make you laugh, was all I ever wanted."

And it totally changed my writing focus, so I wrote a letter instead. But I won't mail it, can't mail it. I'll explain why at the end.


***


Dear Brother,

I’ve been thinking of you lately, but don’t know how to anymore. Does it mean anything that we are related or is it time to just think of us as people forced to live in a situation that was sometimes good but more times than not the most opposite of ‘good’? We’ve both had to overcome a lot to get to where we are today, wherever that may be. I don’t know if I want to hear you are doing well or not. I wish most people well, but the past sometimes overpowers me as much as I try to rationalize behaviors away. From both of us. I don’t like thinking how angry I was during that time, how much I hated you. I hated you because you betrayed me at every chance to our ‘mother’ – in quotes because it’s by birth only, not nurturing.

You told me you loved her. That is something I can’t understand. How you can love someone like her.

Is there a chance for us to ever have a relationship after ‘the war has ended.’ That’s how I feel – like our childhood was a battlefield. Now that we’re far away, is it time to clear the mines or just stay away from the area completely?

I wish I had an answer. I wish I had the strength to deal with everything. I wish I didn’t fear that you would immediately call up ‘mother’ and tell her I contacted you. Tell her that I don’t love her. I try to understand why you used to do that – was it to hurt her by telling her that her only daughter didn’t love her or to hurt me because you knew she’d come after me when she heard? Was it to bolster yourself as you continually confessed your love for her though you never showed it?

In the end I do wish you peace, whatever your definition of that word may be. Peace, quiet, a chance to get away from the storm and reflect and learn and grow. Or, if your peace is to forget, I wish that as well. Maybe I’m forgotten already.

***


The reason I won't mail it is because I don't know what he feels, if he wants to remember. If he doesn't want to go back there, I would be intruding. I also don't know if he is still close to our 'mother' - and what he would do. I don't want to be dragged into anything with her again. I don't want her to think I care or to try and contact me again.

3 comments:

fishwithoutbicycle said...

Darling your blog often leaves me at a loss for words for what you have been through. As we English say, I am gobsmacked. I only know you through your blog, but I feel fiercely protective. Your strength amazes me. Best, F

Chewy said...

Victorya,
I think you have found a healthy way of letting out your thoughts and feelings here in this blog.
The bonus is comments, sharing of experiences and emotions from your visitors.

Amel's Realm said...

I agree with Fish. I'm also oftentimes so speechless, yet I just want to tell you that I read your posts.

I THINK you're doing the right thing by writing down the letter here in the blogosphere and not sending it to your brother. MAYBE there'll be a time to do it sometime in the future (contact your brother again), maybe not, but anyway, you need to continue healing first. That's the most important thing IMO.

Btw, how've you been doing after the incident the other day? Hope getting better and better still. I can't say I know what you're going through, but I wish you WELL. HUGS!!!