Saturday, July 7, 2007

Tell Me Why It's So Hard


It’s not the prospect of writing everyday. It’s that everyday I write I think she might find out.

The other day, at work, this guy scared me. I’ve been jumpier. He came up behind me and asked me a question and I couldn’t form an answer, my heart was racing. I yelled at him to stop doing that. He knows I’m jumpy and thinks it’s funny. In trying to tell him not to make me jump I said “Don’t jump me” and my cubicle mate started laughing at how it sounded.

Then comes that feeling, the feeling that I’m wrong, that it’s all wrong. That everything I write is a lie. That’s overpowering me now. While I’m finding my voice, I’m struggling with the authority behind it. Who am I to complain? Who am I to stand up and talk about anything? I’m someone with holes in her memory and the voice of her mother in her head telling her that she’s a liar.

Yet, there are other moments. When I finally asked my mother if she enjoyed knowing she hurt us, that she caused everyone around her such pain, she said, “Yes, it makes me feel powerful.”

The timeline is daunting at times, and when I jump because of someone talking to me at work it brings it home.

It’s just the gap between knowledge and understanding, some days I wonder if I’ll cross it at all, if I’ll ever build that bridge. Rung by rung, day by day, word by word I know it will come, but do I understand that?

I understand that I am not my mother- that took a while. She liked to inflict pain, all the reasons I tried to form for her actions melted when she admitted that and I realized I couldn’t deny it’s veracity. She liked to cause pain to feel powerful. I don’t. Fact, realization, understood.

But that gnawing fear that makes my stomach turn. I need to understand it will end, that I’m safe now. That I’m a survivor.

I still want to scream though :)

Image from: http://www.raysofhealinglight.com found through google

6 comments:

The Future Was Yesterday said...

I still want to scream though :)
I encourage you to do just that. Loud, long, and often. (Maybe not such a good idea at work:) It's my belief that our screams say things we're scared to. Once we get that bit of "it's bothering me" out of us, we can start on the next one.

Amel's Realm said...

Ahhhh...life is hard indeed, especially for someone like you. I've never experienced what you experienced, so all I can say is this...just press on. Keep reminding yourself of all the good things in life, of all the good things you have now. Repetition does help (at least in my life it does).

It's crazy that your Mom liked hurting others to feel powerful. It's very wrong.

I believe that understanding WILL come one day. At least you're in therapy now, so your therapist will help you, too, right? As reborns, we have to take it slowly. Sometimes I also wonder if I'm ever going to be able to be independent here, but let's enjoy the process, too, even though sometimes it's scary and daunting.

Feel like screaming? GO AHEAD!!! Let's scream together:

I AMMMMMMM SAAAAAAAAFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! I believe I can fllyyyy...I believe I can touch the skyyyyy...he he he...now I'm going nuts he he he...

^_______________________________^

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

I think most of us tip-toe through feeling scared inside. I also have holes in my memory, but that's alright, the holes are there because I want them to be.

Each fresh day you move forward, be kind to yourself - you have come a long way from the little girl you were, and you are moving forward at a pace that is right for you. Have faith in yourself! x

Michelle said...

For being a survivor, and able to joke about it, (and for writing a truly inspiring blog) I've nominated you for the Rocking Girl award. :-)

You can get the award for your blog here:
http://crows-feet.blogspot.com/2007/07/rocking-girl-award-thanks-random.html

Victorya said...

The future: Screaming is good, I have done that lately - stood under the subway tracks and screamed when the train went by to drown it out. It's fun :)

I think a lot of this confession is to make it all real to me so I can tackle it. Know what you're scared of, then demystify it! That's the plan.

Ah Amel, you are just the sweetest. We must definately scream together sometime!!!

Shrink: That's something I have to handle - that the holes are there for a reason and to let them be. No one remembers 10% of everything, it would be too much, there'd be no brain power left to live in the now.

Michelle- wow! thanks, (hugs)

Amel's Realm said...

Hey, Vic!!!

Indeed it'd be nice to scream together sometime. GIRL POWERRRRR!!! He he he he...