Thursday, August 30, 2007

Excuse Me, But Your Issues Are Showing

Portrait of a Woman Suffering from Obsessive Envy by Géricault, Jean Louis Théodore


I know some of my issues, how they carry over in life. One, I’m trying so hard to work on, and that is only liking others that are pained. It’s more a case of, “how can you understand me if you don’t also hurt?”

But, as I come out of that hurt viewpoint of myself, where I see myself as broken and thus think only others that are in pieces can connect with me, I realize what a disservice I’m doing to myself and others.

I became ‘best friends’ with my friend, Xiomara, when we cried over parental issues. In college, I hated those shiny happy people so much. I felt they were vapid, stupid, unaware of the world around them. When someone told me their only concern in life was to be happy I shot them down, “how can you care about just being ‘happy’?” I challenged. “Are you really that shallow that all that matters is fun and happiness?”

It’s a hard one; it really is, wishing to see the cracks in people, to focus on other’s pain kind of as a way to validate your own. “Because everybody hurts, sometimes.” And, because if there is a perfect family out there maybe everything was really my fault.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say. For so long I felt like I couldn’t identify with anyone who wasn’t also troubled, but then we just fed into each other’s insecurities and depression. It’s so easy to think the whole world is just a disaster when you surround yourself with the detritus of the American family, those cast aside, thrown out in the gutter with no loving arms to wrap themselves in. It’s also really easy to think that those who have what you want – those with a chance at love – are beneath you and ‘can’t comprehend the real world’ and live in a delusion. But then, we were living in our own delusion, one that was just a bottomless pit of despair.

I was being discriminatory, not giving anyone a chance, not letting anyone who seemed put together know me because they ‘couldn’t possibly understand’ when I think, honestly, I just didn’t want to be hurt by anyone again. Rejection is easier if you’re the one doing it.

That’s my new directive, to allow people in past these walls that have built up. To give them a chance to love, despite all the scars and scabs I pick at until they bleed all over again. Give someone else a chance to care for me as I am, and in doing so acknowledge that I am a person worthy of affection from ‘the normals’ out there.

And never discount someone’s life just because it is different then your own.

Actually, I think I've succeeded in a lot of this a while ago, as I get along fine with people from all walks of life - nuclear family or no. I can 'connect' with people no matter the 'pain,' and that's what I'm looking for, to recognize that I can (and have) been able to accept people who haven't had a background similiar to mine, and to move forward in the future realizing my worth to society at large, not just the fringes.

10 comments:

Amel's Realm said...

Ahhhh...I understand your issue even though I can't claim to understand what you've been through. But I like where you're going.

It's true that those people who've hurt the same way or similarly to us are the ones who can comprehend us better than anyone else. However, that doesn't mean that others who've never experienced those things don't want to understand.

Sometimes I wish I could understand other people's situations far far far better than I can, but I can't possibly experience everything other people have experienced. One lifetime isn't enough for that.

Anyway, glad you're now moving forward and realizing your worth. :-)))

Amel's Realm said...

What I meant by saying I understood is that in my life there were a few times I had similar feeling: "Hey, you've NEVER experienced what I experienced, so don't you dare tell me you know how it feels." I understood that part. :-))))

dawn said...

I think you've come along way baby. Seriously good for you, I think you will only get stronger and stronger with time. Sometimes it's good to let people in. Just remember everyone has issues and they can still be loved and that none is perfect.

Victorya said...

Amel - I understood what you were saying (I think) :) It's so easy to say others just won't understand, w/out giving them a chance! And you're right, we can never experience everything everyone else has, and thank God for that! But you can understand and help w/out going through it, you can understand the humanity in a person, and that's enough at times.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

I used to be plain jealous of anyone wholesome, who hailed from a functional family. Or I would be too insecure to allow anyone to know about my painful upbringing, lest they saw me as contaminated. It took me years to feel comfy with my past, stop feeling guilt over it, just accept it wasn't my fault, and that people won't judge me because of it.

You've moved mountains to get to where you are. It takes courage and a lot of pain to face and move forward with all the issues that have been thrown your way. You are doing it with grace, bonny lass. ((x))

Amel's Realm said...

Yes, you're right about understanding the humanity in a person.

And I agree with Dawn...everyone has issues indeed, though they may be different from yours. I think the hardest issues of all are the ones you're facing, so you can't really measure which issues are the toughest ones as some issues which you think are tough may be considered "easy" for some other people. Thus in my opinion, the hardest issues are the ones you're facing.

OK now I'm rambling he he he...And I also agree with Shrink Wrapped: You've truly moved mountains to get where you're right now AND best of all, you're doing it gracefully. Not many people can do it, so SMILES for you from me!

:-))))))))))))

Victorya said...

Dawn: Thanks for the kudos :) It's at reflective times like these that I do see such progress. And your right, everyone has issues and everyone can still be loved, that's something I'm coming to terms with.

Shrink: That jealousy is a b*tch, no? Ugh, thank goodness for the ability to finally recognize it for what it is.

Amel - I think you're right, it always is harder to face your own issues then someone elses, isn't it? Because you're on the inside looking out (or slamming your body against the door to get out, lol) instead of just catching glimpses while on the outside looking in.

Ah, now I'm all maudlin, hugs for all!

david mcmahon said...

You're so right when you say ``never discount someone’s life just because it is different then your own''.

And remember - WE are your family too. And we chose you.

Amel's Realm said...

Amel: Yeah, you can be more objective when it comes to somebody else's problems. It gets harder when your self-defense kicks in or ego or denial or whatever it is you have inside you he he he...

HUGS BACK, Vic!!!

Chewy said...

Victorya,
Um, I am one of the "(mostly) wholesome ones coming from a functional family", as Shrink describes.

My bestest friend felt and sometimes still feels ruined by her past history. But you know what? My relationship with her is as adults and I know her as the wonderful person she is now (17 years worth, we're in our mid-late 40's).

I call her "Sister" as she has built a new small family from a few people whom are truly caring, trustworthy and longterm. She does wonder at times why these "family" love her. She told me she would now rather be among more stable people than the unstable ones of her past.

Just sharing my experience. The thing is I try my hardest to understand her. Mostly, I listen when she feels like talking about past issues which still effect her. It's difficult for me to suggest solutions for her, being that I haven't been there, nor done that. I'm always there with open ears and I think that helps.