Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Dealing With the Holes

One of the first things I had to deal with in my current therapy is dealing with the holes in my memory. Or, really, just accepting that I’m not going to remember everything and that it’s probably for the best. I don’t want to drown in my own past as I’m moving toward a positive future now, do I?

For the most part that’s fine. I don’t remember everything. I want to write things down just to gain ownership over them, to accept that they are part of me, my past, and to realize that damn it, I was a kid and shouldn’t feel guilt over things from childhood.

Then something happens, like yesterday, and the holes come back and I’m staring in the shadows and wondering just what the hell happened.

My foot has been hurting me for sometime and I have had x-rays and such and going to physical therapy for it. Then the other foot started to hurt so I went to my doctor. Well, he was running late so the head of the practice was there and figured, why make her wait for my partner? And took me in. He wasn’t happy.

See, after two x-rays, it turns out I have a fracture in one foot and a break in the other. These have apparently been there since childhood. He asked if I had some accident when I was younger.

These are the questions that spiral me, so I had a hard time asking or answering other questions after that. With people without my past, I wonder if they’d shrug and think something happened in their rambunctious years. But with me, I wonder if my parents did something and then never took me to the doctors. That was the first thought, “What the F*ck happened?” Because I didn’t go to the doctor’s much when younger, not that I remember. There were a few ER visits, but those are a long story and I was away at camp when that adventure started.

Then I begin to think, “Well, maybe they did take me to a doctor but it was one of those free clinics,” because really, that’s what we could afford. I’ve been dealing with so many dental issues caused from these free clinics when I was younger. I have one more tooth left to fix, one that was given half a root canal then covered with a temporary and never finished. I don’t even remember the work every being done, but now I have to have it fixed.

It’s tough, and will be even tougher as I have to have surgery and be laid up for two weeks. It reminds me how physically alone I am here without a family to help out a bit. Who’ll catch me if I fall? I get tired of setting up nets myself to catch me, you know? A nice hand someday. Of course, that’s what I’m working toward, breaking down enough of the walls that I’ll be open to another’s hands one day. And, of course, accepting that I’ll never know how those bones broke.


Image taken from


Amel's Realm said... have a fracture in one foot and a break in the other since CHILDHOOD??? Too bad you can't ask anybody about those stuff. But you're right, maybe it's for your own good indeed that you don't remember some holes.

You have to have a surgery and be laid out for 2 weeks without anybody there to be with you? That's TOUGH indeed. Wish I could be there to visit you. :-(((

HUGE HUGS for you...may God give you enough strength to deal with everything and to accept the things you can't change, Vic!!!!!!

dawn said...

I'm so sorry about all of it but you know it might be better not knowing. I don't really have an answer for you on this but if you need help I'm in the area you could always e-mail me . Feel better

Azhira said...

I know how that lonely that can be...physically impaired, but no one around to help. I'll send good thoughts your way. And lots of hugs!

Victorya said...

Amel - i felt the same way, like, what the heck? How come it wasn't noticed until now?

Thanks for the support!

Dawn: Thanks! I'm talking with a friend who might stay the first couple of days at least, despite classes at night. We'll see.

azhira : thanks! It seems like it might end up being in November as it's the busy season here, so can you send some turkey with the good thoughts :D

Amel's Realm said...

Hey, it's GOOD that your friend might be able to stay the first couple of days. ;-D

So it's scheduled for November, eh? There ain't no turkey here, but I can send some reindeer! ;-D

Liss said...

hugs hon. wish there was something I could do for you. Sucks that you have to go through this.

Anonymous said...

*Hugs* from me too! One gentle little hug for each foot. (Not meant to be kinky. - chuckle - I'm sort of "big sister" to a couple friends. - smile)

Victorya said...

Amel - another friend called last night, she must have a sixth sense, so she'll probably help out too.

reindeer, huhmmm, if I ate red meat I'd consider it, how about an antler to bite down on when the pain hits? :D

Liss! Always great to see you here, thanks for the support. And huggles to you.

Chewy - Ah, no kink? damn! Thanks for the gentle hugs, a massage would do nicely too *grin*

Amel's Realm said...

OOOOOH I'm HAPPY for you that another friend would help out!!! ;-D

OH YES, antlers would be good to bite when it hurts! So I'll send you one before you have the operation! ;-D

Michelle said...

I was watching this show on TV the other night I love - The Dog Whisperer. Yeah, that doesn't sound relevant, but bear with me, ok?

He was dealing with a dog that had been badly abused. Almost died. It was living in an animal sanctuary, but it was too fearful to leave the room. It had lived in this one room for a year.

He pointed out that this isn't the dog's fault - it's human. Dogs don't hold onto the past. They are always ready to let go and start over from scratch. THis dog wasn't fearful - the people around it were fearful. They were so sorry for the dog's past that their sympathy and saness was drowning the poor creature. They could not let go of the image of this dog as a tortured, sick victim.

The moment he took the dog out for a walk it brightened up and became a happy normal dog. The moment the people who loved the dog stopped tiptoing around the dog as if it were still sick and a victim.. it stopped being afraid.

Sometimes I wonder if we humans couldn't learn something from that. Maybe it doesn't matter if you ever learn how the bones broke. Maybe all that matters is that you have a present and future ahead of you where no-one will ever break your bones ever again.

Maybe we'd all be a lot happier if we could let go and live today in joy and fullness, like a dog.

And we think we're the smartest animal? :-\

I hope your body heals in all ways, Victorya.