Friday, September 28, 2007

Oh Noes! It Was All Just a Dream (Well, Mostly)

Just a quick note before I start this post - things will be hectic for the next month, so postings may be sporadic. It's budget season at ye old job, which means the boss telling me to come in early and leave late yet still she wants me to go to school two nights a week to learn what I am doing. Oh, and total score, they are paying the $180 dollars that the textbook costs. I could do posts on how the US education system gouges the students with the price of these textbooks.

Anyway, let's see how short I can keep this today, as it's my lunchbreak. I just wanted to share an interesting dream.

See, after yesterday's post, I think stuff was more on my mind. Now, in the past, when stuff was dredged up I'd have these horrid nightmares. Last night, here was my dream:

I'm in my bed sleeping, in my current apartment when my mother comes and sits on the side of the bed and gently wakes me. I tell her I want to go to sleep, but she says this is important. So I groggily stare up at her.

"I'm sorry I put the pillow over your face," she tells me. "Really, it was wrong."

"Just let me go back to sleep," I say, rolling over and closing my eyes again.

"No, really, what I've done is wrong," she replies.

Now all I want to do in my dream is go back to sleep, so finally I say, "If you realize it's wrong, you should go get some help. You need help mom, more than I can give you."

I wake up (in my dream) to pounding on my door. It's my brother, and he wants to know where our mom is. Now, in real life my brother never lived on his own, he only left my mom's house to stay with his girlfriend then wife. When his girlfriend got pissed at him, he'd go back with my mom. He can't really do much on his own except kill people (hence his lifetime in the military) so needs someone to take advant- er- take care of him.

"What the f--- did you do with mom?" he asks me incredibly angry.

"I don't know," I reply wiping sleep from my eyes.

He barges into the house and looks around.

"I know she was staying with you, what did you do?"

I notice the message on my answering machine is blinking, so I listen to it. It's "Downtown Psychiatry Hospital" to alert me that my mom has checked herself in and after evaluation, they want to keep her in longer. She went to get help.

Now, at the same time my brother starts to freak out as he tells me that his blood test came back positive, "I'm BP too" he fumes at me, "you gonna have me committed?" Then his girlfriend comes and tells me that her blood test is also positive. I tell them I'm negative, but wonder if I am because I didn't even know there was a blood test for Bi-Polar disorder (note, in real life there isn't).

I just thought it was interesting how it was a wish-fulfillment dream in terms of my mother admitting she was wrong. I think that's the dream of every child abused by their parent's - that the mother and father stop hiding behind the rationalization of parental responsibility and admit that what they did was horribly wrong. We want the abusive parties to feel guilt, remorse, and shame for their actions. And while 10:1 that won't happen in real life, in dream life it can.

I think it also shows a shift - she wasn't overpowering. She invaded my space by being in my house, yes, but she left and got help, and I was able to tell her to do so. I wasn't afraid. Granted, my anxiety over having BP was still there (I'm 30 now, I was told if I did have it it would have come out in childhood because of the stress I was under, but 30 is basically the cut-off date for diagnosis, as it shows in the late teens and twenties mostly), but I handled it well, got them out of the house, and got back to sleep. The other thing of note - I didn't try to help her. I didn't take responsibility for her actions, but tried to tend to my own needs - something I really need to do more in life. It's hard to care for yourself when you are so used to caring for someone, or something else. I was thinking of that the other day while day-dreaming about getting another cat.

"I don't have anything to love," I said aloud wistfully.

"You have yourself," that voice inside me said. "Learn to love yourself more completely."


Amel's Realm said...



I'm SO PROUD AND HAPPY for you!!! I was smiling all the way through your's just such a WONDERFUL dream. Even it's just a dream, but it reveals how your subconscious mind works he he he he he...

Have a FAB weekend, my friend, before you'll be swamped with work during the next month!

I'm also HAPPY that they're paying for the expensive textbooks. Don't forget your vitamin C during the hectic month!!! ;-D

Love the last two paragraphs!!!!!! ;-D

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Ah honey, the fact that this is still a disturbing dream by anyone's measure, yet you are grateful it is LESS disturbing than the majority that you have, makes my heart sore. You are so strong, it takes my breath away. Good luck with the work/study treadmill - remember to be kind to yourself too, though, eh? (hugs)

Rachelle said...

What a great post, and what a great dream!
Empowering, wasn't it?
Good for you my friend.
I remember those scary, real life dreams well. I still have them from time to time.
Take care of YOU!

CHEWY said...

WOW! Victorya,

With thoughts like this, one of these days you will have to change your name to Victorius.

Mind your priorities and blog when you can.

Geesh... I just realized that you have some strong, experienced support from your blog friends.

Angel of Delusion said...

It sounds like a good dream. I've heard that you know you are becoming fluent in a language when you dream in that language. I think the same can be said of many behaviors. Since you are more assertive in your dreams I would say you are more assertive in your real life. It's a wonderful thing that you are doing what you need to do to protect yourself.

I'm tagging you for a meme that won't take long (since you have a hectic month ahead). Take a look at my blog:

Amel's Realm said...

Hi, Vic, go and claim your award here:

Totally Fab Award

Hope even though you're busy, you manage to rest well and enjoy your days. ;-D

Victorya said...

Amel - ooh, I have another meme from you, don't I? I have to pick them up one of these days! I might be trapped at home on Friday as the super has to fix various things, so hopefully if I don't tend to my blog by then, I'll have that day to do it!

Shrink - Ah, but it's a shift in the dream that gives me the power, that is what makes it empowering! frightening things are only frightening if you give them the power to be so.

RAchelle - and you take care too! I hope the little crita's are doing well, I love reading their stories.

Angel - that's actually a good thought, I hope it is true. My dreams since have been quite calm (with even a weird romance in one that involved a lot of glue - don't ask)

Chewy - I do love the support from everyone, it's a bit sad that others can identify, but wonderful how strong everyone is, just amazing really.